The Allegoric Hegemony

Sean Connery stars as James Bond (007) in 1964′s Goldfinger.  Bond battles the Auric Goldfinger to keep the world’s gold supply safe.  Honor Blackman (formerly of The Avengers) protrays Pussy Galore, the villan’s lady, who gets seduced by Bond.

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Sean Connery is James Bond in 1965′s Thunderball.  Bond battles an evil transvestite, escapes in a jet pack (cool), gets strapped to a sado-bondage stretching machine and then goes on to save the world from SPECTRE and stolen atomic bombs.  Much more of the movie involves Connery running around shirtless than I had remembered.

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Miles O’Keeffe is the handsome, but none too bright, Sir Gawain who must battle the Green Knight (Sean Connery) in Sword of the Valiant.

A few lessons learned:

• When a mysterious green man shows up at the banquet and asks for someone to chop off his head, maybe there’s something weird going on.

• When you see a unicorn, don’t try to kill it and eat it.  That’s just rude.

• When you find a mysterious tent that appears from nowhere, don’t pig out on the food.

• When the equally mysterious lady in the tent tells you to pucker up and blow a horn but won’t tell you why, think twice.

• Find out that the king’s fancy armor you’re wearing is purely for show, not protection, before you challenge the black knight.

• If you happen to accidentally kill the black knight, don’t take him back to his stonghold full of loyal followers.

• Don’t submit yourself to the mercy of the evil queen, she doesn’t have any.

• When she wants to check your teeth, it’s not to breed you with her pretty daughter; evil queens have needs too.

• Don’t grab the sword by the blade and try to use it, even if it is just a prop.

• When the little guy refugee from Monty Python and the Holy Grail asks for the hedgehog spittle, try to remember it’s the green one.

• Don’t leave the princess alone while you frolic with your squire.  She’ll just get captured by that Nazi guy with the staff top burned in his hand from Indiana Jones.

• When you humiliate the baron’s sleazy son (Ronald Lacey, creepy Nazi guy; and his father is John Rhys-Davies, also of Indiana Jones fame), just kill him and be done with him, don’t let him go, that’s the fast road to the dungeon.  Unless of course, you like the kinky side of things.

• Real swords probably shouldn’t be quite that bendy.

• Ordering that rag tag group of poorly armed peasants to attack. . . now there’s stragegy.

• Don’t piss off Peter Cushing.

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Diamonds are Forever (1971) finds James Bond on the trail of Blofeld and his diamond smuggling scheme.  Not to mention the giant orbiting laser beam for world domination.